My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
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Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Tastes like chicken.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.