I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
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I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
This guy gets it.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious