*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
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I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Two types of dogs.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.