My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
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[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.