If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
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Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?