It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
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I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.