In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
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“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
? 💀
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.