Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
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Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.