I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
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“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Erm…
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly