How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
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the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I hope it’s French Onion!
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.