WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
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[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏