My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
My time has come.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.