Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
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me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.