Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis