I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Not😆🤣
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.