god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
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I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk