my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
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The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?