Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
choose your fighter
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
dutch so unserious
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things