Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
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I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*