my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
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me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.