“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
new wife guy just dropped
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.