Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
whenever i wake up before my alarm
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants