Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
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Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I can’t wait!
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process