[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
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Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING