5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works