barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
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me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
August 8
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.