[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
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My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now