me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
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[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.