‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots