I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
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“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.