The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
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ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.