My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
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[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.