You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
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I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.