There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
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Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
This raises questions
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.