Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
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I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years