My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
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HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
IT’S-A ME,
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”