Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
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*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
“i am a sweet baby”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Hot hot hot 🥵
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.