Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.