colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
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I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
where the womens at?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.