Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
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[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.