McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
You Might Also Like
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
We have a winner.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.