How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
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*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Saw online –
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up