*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
#Caturday
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to