I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
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my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels