The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
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vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
#Caturday
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?