*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.