Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
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He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar