*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
You Might Also Like
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
The options really are this bad
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”