I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
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Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”