I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
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Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”